


In Memoriam

by lwielaura



Series: Everything wrong with Tony Stark [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Artist Steve Rogers, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard is a dick, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Rhodey appears as well, Steve is a Great Boyfriend, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony-centric, but don't expect too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 11:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7267123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwielaura/pseuds/lwielaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“They always tell us it’s ok to be sad.” He began, as he started to trace the fainted scars on Tony’s wrist and he felt Tony tense a bit.<br/>“But they never tell us it’s ok not to be sad.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Memoriam

**Author's Note:**

> Author has no excuse I just felt like angst.  
> Prompt me stuff on my tumblr  
> http://allhailtchalla.tumblr.com/

At first they didn’t notice, because living with Tony Stark meant living with a maniac genius and thus living with everything that came with that.  
There has always been days he was acting weird, spacey or was completely off the grip without any further explanation. At the end of the day, they knew, everything would be ok again and when they called him in for movie night, he would attend or, more likely, Steve would manage to drag him out of his workshop to sit with them until he usually fell asleep after 10 minutes of the movie.  
This was their everyday life and everyone got used to it, so no one gave it a second thought when one morning Tony entered the kitchen with a murderous expression and without so much of a good morning.  
Steve rolled his eyes with a fond smile – he knew how his boyfriend was without at least one pot of coffee and an unhealthy amount of caffeine. Bruce didn’t even look up from his newspaper as he grabbed the pot and poured some of the liquid into Tony’s Captain America cup and pushed it towards the brunette, who took it and gulped it in one long sip as usual.  
“Long night?” Clint asked and winked, his eyes meeting Steve’s for a moment and the soldier was much too used to that to blush, just rolled his eyes again and reached out for Tony to sling his arm around his waist but to his surprise, the brunette flinched and shifted out of his reach. When he looked up irritated, Tony didn’t show any sign of what just happened, just continued to glare into his coffee like it put him personally in harm’s way, and Steve shrugged, maybe it wasn’t intended, so he let it be. 

An hour later he emerged from the gym to see his team sitting on the couch, Bruce was scribbling some equations on Clint’s arm (“We’re definitely out of paper!”), while the archer used his other arm to paint Natasha’s toenails (“Don’t ask.”, he had said) and Thor sat on the couch, head hanging upside down from the lean watching one of the reality shows the team god knows why loved so much and Steve looked around as he was expecting Tony to magically appear.  
Just like he had said, it wasn’t unusual for the man to disappear, but it was Sunday and everyone had their day off, something maybe happening once a month and somehow they had agreed, along the years they had spent together as a team and then as a family, that these days were spent together, even though they usually did nothing.  
“He’s in his workshop.” Natasha commented as if she could read his mind and taking everything he knew about her by now into account, this was probably a fact, and she looked mildly annoyed by that.  
“I’ll have a look.” He nodded, heading for the workshop like he always did, greeting JARVIS as he reached the door and asked for entrance but the AI’s voice simply replied: “I’m sorry, Captain Rogers, but Sir has initiated a full lock down.”  
That, on the other hand, never happened before, at least not without a solid reason. There was one after Ultron, one after the break up with Pepper, one after a huge fight they had, one after the press spread the rumors that Tony would cheat on Steve and he had thought he would believe them, but there was always a reason and he really couldn’t think about one right now.  
“Ok.” He mumbled thoughtfully, biting his lips and staring at the milky glasses. He could hear the loud music blasting, so no chance for him to call him or knock.  
Maybe he should have left it alone, but on the other hand, if he started to think about it, there was already something weird about Tony yesterday, the way he had talked and how desperate he had kissed him and dragged him to bed, how tight his embraces have been, but Steve had thought it had something to do with sleep deprivation or Tony’s ever changing moods, but taking the current situation into account, it was actually quite concerning.  
“JARVIS, use override code 0-4-0-6-starspangled-ass.” (Of course Tony would come up with something as ridiculous as this as his personal override code but right now he didn’t care.)  
“I’m afraid Sir deactivated every override code, I am sorry.” The mechanic voice replied and Steve could swear that it sounded a bit worried and resigned as well.  
The blonde scratched the back of his head, sighing heavily, before he simply said: “Can you tell him I was looking for him?”  
“Certainly.”  
“And JARVIS – if something happens, tell me, please.”  
“Sir’s well-being is my highest priority.” JARVIS said and Steve took that as a ‘yes’ before he disappeared, head full of questions.

A few hours passed and although Tony’s absence hang over them like a heavy cloud – well over Steve, but the rest seemed sincerely concerned as well after what he had told them – they somehow managed to enjoy their day off together, playing board games and watching trash TV and somehow managed to not murder each other within a round of City Country River.  
It was the third round and Clint tried to convince everyone that Germany, in fact and in their native language, was written with a “J”, not “G” while Bruce next to him went through three dictionaries to proof him wrong, when they heard footsteps approaching.  
They looked up surprised and just in the right moment for Natasha not killing Clint as they saw Tony emerging from his workshop, heading for the kitchen without a sign that he realized them at all and they fell silent, shooting each other telling looks and Steve swallowed heavily because he knew the expression he had seen on Tony just a few seconds ago and it made his stomach turn and a sudden wave of panic flooded him.  
His first instinct was to get up and follow his tracks, to pull him into a hug and kiss the pain away until the heavy clouds in these brown eyes had passed, but he knew better than that. Instead he remained where he was, breathing faltered and waiting for anything and during the silence he could hear the coffee machine working and the cupboard opening before footsteps once again approached and his boyfriend returned.  
“Hey Tones.” Clint tried casually to address the man but he didn’t react, he just went straight back heading for the stairs and the moment Steve opened his mouth to say something his boyfriend tripped over the edge of the carped, the cup fell to the ground with a loud echoing noise and it was a good thing he had the habit to drink half the cup right away because the damage was quite toned down by that.  
No one dared to laugh. Not with Tony staring at the ground like he couldn’t believe his eyes, like the broken cup wasn’t a plain white cup but something precious he had just destroyed, face blank and eyes wide.  
“Wait, I’ll get a cloth.” Bruce offered softly and made an attempt to get up, but suddenly Tony hissed: “No.” in an almost hostile voice and they all stared at him because he never talked to them like that, never had, not even to Steve at the very beginning, and especially never to Bruce, and their confusion increased as Tony went to his knees to collect the sharp shards that where shattered all over the floor with such a panic in his eyes Steve got up onto his feet immediately, kneeling next to him and trying to take the searching hands into his, mumbling: “Stop, babe, you’re going to hurt yourself.”, but Tony wrested himself free with a quick movement, throwing his collected shards against the nearest wall, yelling a loud and hoarse “fuck” and Steve jumped heavily, raising his hands in defense and staring at the broken figure with indeed bleeding hands next to him with parted lips and a racing heart.  
“It’s just a cup, Tony, it’s all right.” Clint dared to speak again but the addressed man just jumped to his feet, wiping his now soaking hands at his trousers before he pressed one against his mouth to stop the sobs that were actually escaping and Steve looked up to him bewildered, especially as he muttered: “I can’t even make a fucking coffee.” And with that, he disappeared again, leaving them all speechless. 

Rhodey called when it was approaching dusk already and after everyone had tried to reach Tony in any way or tried to reason with JARVIS at least once (or in Steve’s case at least 10 times) and he looked down at his phone with a wrinkled forehead because why would Rhodey phone him?  
“Rhodey?” he asked as he accepted the call.  
“Is Tony all right?” he heard the man’s voice through the speakers and he could definitely find concern in his voice.  
“I don’t know, he’s – Rhodey, what’s the matter?”  
“I’ve tried reaching him at least 10 times, is he in his workshop?”  
“Full lock down.”  
There was a little pause.  
“Ok, Steve, make sure he’s not alone and try to avoid TV when he’s around, all right?”  
“Rhodey, what – “  
He heard a heavy sigh.  
“Just… do as I say. Move your ass and kick in the door if necessary, I know this bastard.” And then the line was dead and Steve not a bit smarter than before.  
The team looked at him questioning but before he could give them a proper answer, Tony once again appeared in their living room and Steve was ready to get up and pin him down to make him talk if necessary but before anyone could do anything, he was already with them, taking his usual space on the couch next to the soldier and slung his arms around his boyfriend’s torso, face buried into his neck.  
Steve was a bit overwhelmed by the sudden warmth and closeness and it was fairly hard to breathe because he was caught in a vice grip he never experienced from Tony but he let it happen, signaling the others that it was ok and they continued whatever they were doing before the sudden return while he finally leaned into the touch, softly but firmly holding the arms around his waist and stroking lazy patterns over them.  
“Nice to see you.” he mumbled softly, trying to make it sound as sincere as he could while he turned his head a bit to leave a soft kiss on the dark curls.  
“I’m sorry.” Tony mumbled after a short silence against his neck and Steve adjusted his body so he could drag him into a tight hug.  
“Don’t.” Another kiss. “Care to tell me what’s going on today?” he asked, inhaling the scent of Tony deeply while his hands followed his spine up and down, making him shiver a bit.  
He felt him shaking his head a bit and Steve decided to let go for now.  
Both of them remained in silence, close on close and Steve felt the genius relax more and more in his embrace and sometimes he caught a glance from one of the others and he managed a small smile and a barely noticeable nod and the mood finally increased again when the news began and he immediately remembered Rhodey’s warning but he couldn’t be subtle while telling the others and when he asked to change the channel, Natasha simply said: “I want to see that.” And no one was looking at him so his warning glazes remained unseen.  
But it was all right, he realized relieved, because the first news were terrible but not affecting anyone of them and finally they approached a girl that sold lemonade to raise money for her sick sister and if they had reached that point, there wouldn’t be big sensations about to come but then the anchorman said “One last thing.” and the picture of a familiar face was seen on TV and he heard Clint mutter a curse under his breath and Bruce swallow and even Natasha reached quickly for the remote but she couldn’t find it quick enough for the TV to announce that it was the 15th anniversary of the dying day of Howard and Maria Stark and suddenly everything fit into place and Steve looked at Tony who had let go and sat there, pale as a ghost and eyes focused on the floor and clearing his throat.  
“Sorry, I still have stuff to do.” He said and his voice was small and defeated and they all stared and Natasha started: “Tony, you don’t have to –“  
“Work to do.” He repeated with a small shrug and looked up, a small smile on his lips and it was so fake it hurt before he disappeared again, this time slowly and with hanging shoulders.

Steve had decided to give him half an hour before he followed him downstairs. He knew Tony needed him, he knew that he struggled to deal with stuff like this alone, but most of all he knew that Tony would never admit hit so he thought that that buffer would make it appear like he would casually come to look for him instead of signaling him that he had looked and acted like he would break down every minute.  
This time the door wasn’t locked and he took that as a good sign after all, knocked quietly before he entered the workshop. It was messy, as usual, maybe slightly more.  
Booze bottles were lined up neatly on the counter – something that made Steve’s chest clench for a moment until he realized that none of them was opened and he relaxed a bit, but still, they stood there ready and everything about them screamed “Just in case”.  
“You are and always will be my greatest creation.” A voice filled the room, a voice he never thought he would hear again in his life and after everything he knew by now, he never wanted to hear again and his eyes searched for the source and found it in form of a beamer, projecting the flickering image of a definitely matured Howard Stark, looking straight into the camera.  
Sitting in an old armchair in front of it was Tony, his arms hanging down weakly on each side, his face in the shadows.  
Steve approached the scenery and without another word he turned off the beamer and looked down to the man beneath him, his expression blank and tensed.  
“Come on.” He muttered, offering him a hand and he breathed out relieved as Tony took it and allowed him to pull him up.  
They didn’t talk while he half dragged him upstairs into their room, he wouldn’t know what to say anyway, his head heavy and full of what happened today and what he had just witnessed.  
When they entered the door, he simply put Tony onto the bad who still wouldn’t look up and Steve sighed but headed towards his drawer anyway, inspecting it for a second until he found what he was looking for.  
When he returned he simply took Tony’s left hand into his, turned it and put it onto his thigh and now he felt the questioning look but he simply smiled, running his fingers over the sensitive skin a few times before he opened the little box he had fetched and pulled out a pencil and some colors.  
“What –“ he heard the cracked voice but he interrupted him, tipping the pencil under water for a small moment before he mixed it with his brown watercolor.  
“They always tell us it’s ok to be sad.” He began, as he started to trace the fainted scars on Tony’s wrist with the tiny brush and he felt Tony tens a bit.  
“But they never tell us it’s ok not to be sad.” He practically heard how the other man held his breath.  
“It’s your life and your memories. If someone treated you like rubbish, it’s ok to be relieved that they are gone, no matter how cruel that might sound.” He continued, going for green now and he felt the arm tens a bit as he brushed over a particularly sensitive spot.  
“Howard didn’t deserve a kid like you. And he doesn’t deserve to be mourned over by you or to be forgiven. It’s ok to not grief, it’s ok to be relieved, but it’s not ok that he still can hurt you after all this years.”  
He interrupted his drawing to look the other man in the eyes for a second and spotted tears and hurt but most importantly he saw the light return in them and the relief and love.  
“After all that he’d done to you, you’re still here and you grew to be an amazing and kind and strong person, Tony. It’s rare that something so beautiful blooms from sick roots like that, you know.” He smiled and added reflexes to his work the arm decorated now.  
“You are not Howard’s greatest creation, you are better than anything he could ever create.” He finished and put the pencil down, allowing Tony to have a look at what he had done.  
He saw his face fell, saw how his mouth opened and closed and finally stayed shut, saw his eyes grow wide and shimmery and how the color returned to his cheeks as he stared at the tree that invaded his whole under arm, the scars from years ago building the roots from which it bloomed green and beautiful.  
“I love you.” Steve smiled and finally, finally Tony looked up and the intensity of his brown made Steve breathless for a second.  
“I love you, too.” He whispered and his voice was unsteady and raw and sincere.  
The clock on the drawer gave a little tick and Steve eyed it a second. It was midnight.  
“It’s a new day.” He simply said, dragging him into a tight hug.  
“Oh thank fuck.” Tony whispered and Steve smiled a bit.


End file.
